Go home
Hey everyone!
Sorry I haven't been posting recently. I haven't been feeling well and have felt too drained to write.
I the time between my last entry and this I have passed the course I was doing at college, attempted to get my local library to include books in their pride display written by/about trans and queer people of colour, and attended Pride with my mum, little sister and dog, Stanley.
I have also started a fundraiser for Mind. Click here to donate. Donations are very much appriciated
Today marks the end of 14 years of the absolute shit show that was Tory (Conservative Party) rule and Labour's Sir Keir Starmer is the new Prime Minister.
I'm not sure how to feel about Keir Starmer. He supports genocide of Palestinians, transgender, gender non-conforming, and genderqueer people.
Is it just me or does he look like a Postman Pat character?
Hopefully he's the lesser of 2 evils but I still feel scared for future generations of queer kids which ignites my urge to protest.
Thank you for reading my blog.
Until next time,
Xavier
Today I woke up at 6:20 with a hangover. I was the first to wake up but somehow the last to be ready for the journey ahead despite me moving as fast as I could.
Travelling makes me feel anxious, especially if it’s travelling from a holiday destination back home.
When travelling from home I worry about whether the gas and sockets are off, if everything is locked up and if I’ve packed my meds to actually enjoy my holiday.
The car journey went very well. Everyone was chilled out (except Stanley the dog) and nobody argued. My sister and I were asleep for most of it and woke up for roughly a quarter of the journey so not much could be said about it.
We arrived in Portland (UK) around 12. We stopped at a cafe for a drink and toasties. Mum had a cheese toastie with a milkshake, my sister had a tuna melt toastie (also) with a milkshake, and I had a ham and cheese toastie with peach iced tea.
Stanley embarrassingly barked at everyone who stepped in to the cafe.
Since our cottage wasn’t ready until this afternoon, we decided to have a walk around Portland Bill and admire the views of the ocean from the cliffside.
We went to the cottage early because Mum was feeling extremely fatigued after driving and walking. Thankfully it was ready by the time we showed.
This cottage is a dinky little thing with 2 bedrooms (including the one in the attic), 2 bathrooms, a kitchen, living and dining room all condensed inside it. It has low ceilings meaning that I’m going to hit my head on things a lot, but I like it because it’s cute and has a cosy vibe.
Until next time,
Xavier
One of my favourite things to do whilst we’re in the southwest country is visiting the SeaLife (nothing to do with Seaworld as far as I know) Headquarters in Weymouth. My mum booked my annual visit a couple of days ago for 13:00 because I sometimes struggle to wake up early and it gets very busy sometimes.
My mum, my sister and I wanted to visit the beach nearby for lunch, so we arrived at the car park early. After lunch I decided to forage for things that would pique my curiosity amongst the washed-up seaweed.
Whilst foraging I found several pieces of large seaweed, 2 live mussels (one of which was a juvenile), and 2 lots of cuttlefish eggs (which I threw back into the sea). I also found a recently deceased crab. I ought to have been wearing gloves due to the possibility of being stung by a jellyfish.
At around 12:40 I entered the SeaLife HQ.
I took plenty photos and videos of the animals (Click here to see my holiday photos) in their small collection. Since their collection is so small you kind of become emotionally attached to their long-lived residents (i.e., the Humboldt penguins, the green sea turtles, some of the larger fish, and the seals). SeaLife Weymouth is also the home to the only population of Fairy penguins (the smallest species of penguin in the world) in the UK.
My favourite animals (in no order) at the SeaLife Centre are...
I thoroughly enjoyed my annual visit to the SeaLife Centre in Weymouth and kind of played with the octopus by wriggling my fingers at it. Whenever I started to wriggle my fingers, it raised a particular tentacle, and when I stopped it lowered it.
Octopuses have a brain in each tentacle linked to the brain in the head as I was told and are fast learners.
This evening my mum, my sister and I went to a pub called The Punch Bowl across the road from the college we are renting to watch the first half of the Netherlands vs. England, the semi-finals of the Euros 2024.
I’m not usually into the football but I felt like this was a culturally significantly event I was hyper-focused on the screen and bought a pride-themed shirt from The Punch Bowl. The last Euros was my first day of starting testosterone.
I forgot how intoxicating the environment is amongst fellow football supporters.
England won 2:1, and the second goal was scored by Ollie Watkins who used to play for Exeter City, and then Brentford “The Bees” FC (my local team) where he became a local legend. Watkins was later signed to Aston Villa. We miss him in West London, but Brentford helps make legends like Ollie Watkins, Ivan Toney, and national treasure, Bradley Walsh who became an actor (and was in Doctor Who), comedian and TV presenter.
When watching the match, I think I saw a Brentford FC England flag.
Please take care,
Xavier
I woke up this morning with a massive hangover because of how much I drank last night (6 pints and 3 large bottles of beer) and didn’t get up until 10:30.
We went out into Weymouth town this afternoon and went shopping. Whenever I’m out with my mum and sister I’m always aware of how I come across to others, so they don’t feel so responsible for me.
This is unfortunately a part of my social trauma. My mum kept on reassuring me that I’m not responsible for everyone having a good time, but I still felt like I was being a burden.
For lunch we ate pasties on the harbour. A young herring gull attempted to steal my sister’s pasty by dive bombing her.
We spent the rest of our day at the beach. I went to check out the things washed up on the shore. The only interesting things I found were a couple of crab carcases, some bleached coral (I think) and a green worm-like thing in some seaweed.
That’s all,
Xavier
First thing I did today was check on my recently hatched brine shrimp (they were ok) and water my allotment. Most of our plants. I harvested some fruit and herbs. I recently found ou that lavender is edible so I've been eating some whenever I come across a plant.
The park I visit is very busy in July due to the festivals held in it. Firstly we have the beer festival, then there are the jazz and blues festivals, and this year we have a pride festival. While I do enjoy the festivals held at the park it also means that I don't see the crows I regulaly feed.
Whilst in the park I attempted to help a bumble bee who was low energy. I fed her some flowers and she even did a wee on me but I ended up leaving her on a tree. I don't think she was well
I was excited because England was in the Euros final and we all hoped that it would be a culturally significant moment but needless to say Spain beat us 2:1. I was sad that England had lost but also glad for Spain.
Kindest reguards,
Xavier
A few days ago my local council might cut the funding for my education early for... reasons. It's possibly because the local council is short on cash and feel like cutting peoples Education and Health Care Plans, which is what entitles disabled people in the UK to free education and support, because they stupidly think it benefits them in the long run.
It will be taken to tribunal if the funding is cut due to the timing of them notifying my family. I want to get a PhD one day or at least a masters on sex, gender and gender expression in nature.
In my personal opinion one of greatest ways to get a job is via voluntary work. The people at the place get to know you and how hard you work. If it's something you enjoy you have the pleasure of doing it amongst likeminded people and building community.
Today one of my friends and I removed tonnes of weeds from a bed that had some small hedges planted in it. The weeds had become so large they were smothering the hedges. After removing the weeds we added some fresh compost and manure around the hedges (this is called mulching). We do this to prevent more weeds from sprouting up and keep moisture levels in the soil up.
We met a couple of students who are more senior than us (in both age and qualifications) which was a total pleasure for me. I also rescued 2 toads from our the area my friend and I were working on.
I went on a walk after my voluntary work finished. During my walk it rained dogs and cats halfway through, and I came home looking like a drowned rat. Ironically the rain stopped just before the end of my route. Typical...
Stay dry and take care,
Xavier
The first positive thing I noticed today was that my artemia (a.k.a 'Sea Monkeys') had hatched a single day after I'd placed the eggs inside a jar filled with salt water.I hope this colony survives.
My assistance dog Stanley (a Yorkshire terrier) came on my walk today.
Firstly, we went to one of our local parks and fed the birds. A few of the birds I feed have recently had chicks/ducklings so they appreciate the extra food. I give them a mix of seeds and dried mealworms. All of the crows I feed eat all of the mealworms first, then the seeds.
Secondly, Stanley and I went to the shops.
Since Stanley is an assistance dog he's (supposed to be) allowed in any shop, but due to Stanley being a Yorkshire Terrier people assume that he's not an assistance dog which means that I sometimes get into rows with ignorant people.
When I was paying at a self-service checkout at a branch of a popular UK supermarket chain, a member of staff harassed me for briefly placing Stanley on the floor whilst I was about to pay. I can't remember the exact excuses they used because I've heard them all before (e.g.; "He'll wee inside the shop.", "He's dirty.", or "He's not an assistance dog."). I asked them if they would expect me to pick up a golden retriever if Stanley was one. They then told gave me the dog toileting arguement to which I told them that Stanley is trained not to do that inside. The final (and rarest) ableist bullet they had was "What if a customer complained?", and I replied "That's their problem.". They then had the gall to say that they're not trying to make trouble and I told them not make trouble.
I wasn't happy anyway today and that made things feel much worse, so I messaged some group chats I'm a part of for emotional support and rang my mum. Thanks to everyone who comforted and reassured me, it means a lot. I don't like confrontation in the slightest but think it's necessary sometimes.
Sending compassion to everyone <3,
Xavier
I haven't written in a few days amd my god important thimgs have happened. 1. Someone nearly killed Trump and a Trump supporter died trying to protect their family. 2. Biden has stepped down from running as the democratic candidate and Kamala Harris has taken his place. Trump amd the Republican Party are now shitting bricks. XD
Hoping Harris wins,
Xavier
Early this afternoon my mum had a stern talking with me after I collected a parcel from the front door for her. You be the judge if I handled this interaction with the post person well.
The doorbell rings and I assume that the postie will just leave it in the porch as usual. My mum's in the shower and I'm getting dressed.
My mum then hammers on the wall, making me feel anxious and demands that I answer the door.
I then go and answer the door in my dressing gown. The postie then gave me multiple questions before he gave me mums parcels and my dog was barking in the background. My brain had pretty much shutdown due to how overwhelmed I'd felt and was super focused on answering the questions.
My mum then gave me one of her 'TED talks' on 'being a grown up' ans said to me that 'the council can take Stanley (our dog) away if the neighbours complain'. After mum left I felt this feeling of self hatred and feeling like I wasn't enough inside I me. I then started to cry, stabbed myself in the knee using a needle, punched and cut myself in several places. I felt like ending things was my only option (but it wasn't in actuality).
When I came downstairs there was a news report of armed police assaulting a 19 year-old called Muhammed Fahir in Manchester. There was a video shown, it was sickening, and my mum told me that the far-right found this footage to be a good thing. This further reduced my faith in humanity and made me feel even more unsafe.
My mum then asked me if I had though about what she said and I just said "I'll try harder.". Before I left to walk Stanley, my mum realised that she'd made me sad because I'd started to cry again. Throughout today she kept on reminding me that she loved me even when I told her when I don't feel like I'm good enough. I wish my mum understood my issues but I do think that she's amazing.
Whilst I was out with Stanley I bumped into my former counsellor. I told her abou what happened with mum and she said that she's sorry that happened to me. She also gave me a big hug and told me that she'd been to the Lake District. It was a relief to see her.
For most of the day I had a hangover from my mental shutdown earlier. No podcasts, no music, just the white noise of West London. I spent the evening on the piss as per usual to cope.
Hoping for brighter days,
Xavier
My mum and my sister have gone to stay near the university my sister studied at to attend her graduation. That leaves me with Stanley, the guinea pigs, the cats and the brine shrimp colony.
I intended to go out today but it was too hot for Stanley and I didn't want to leave him at home on his own.
I spent the day in the garden but did some chores to enrich myself mentally.
Pretty boring day but I guess boring days amongst interesting ones are important for creativity.
See you in August,
Xavier